So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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