I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
