You're completely useless in the revolution.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
