I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
