I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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