Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We have started to decorate penises.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?