i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
