When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts