the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
