Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
