Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
