She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
