i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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