If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Dicks are not precious.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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