dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
