9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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