Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
