I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
