Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
