I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
