I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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