Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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