Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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