Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
