I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just had sex on a roof
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
