so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
