I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
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I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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