The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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