woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
