Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
