I cannot find my penis.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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