He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
