he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom