my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....