You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Are we still banned from the library?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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