I haven't been this sober since birth.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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