Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
These tits shall not be calmed
wow bdsm is so cute
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