you guys were way drunker than both of me
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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