Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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