I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
