Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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