The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
