Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
