we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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