idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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