And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
