How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
