Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
