I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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