Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
