you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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