Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
