I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
