I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
