i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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