dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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