this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
