I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
